Religious Tract Dissection by Boolean Union Studios

...with special Guest Commentators: Kelly Phillips, Sean MacLeod & Kristin Beasley


Today's Candidate:


The Broken Cross

Spellbound

1974 Jack Chick
Uploaded March 3rd, 2012



"The Broken Cross" is another of Chick's full sized comic books. Like "Spellbound?" it is heavily based on material from John Todd. In this story, Crusaders Jim and Tim investigate a Satanic conspiracy that has seemingly enveloped an entire town.


Panel Index
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20
21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37
38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53
54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61
Conclusion



Panel 1
Jessica:

Oh, John Todd. Where would we be without you? He has filled out hearts with such joy and given us countless hours of laughter. Shame he's dead though.

I want to have, like, ten thousand of his babies.

 

Andrew:

There's that "came out of witchcraft" phrase again, perhaps most familiar from Dark Dungeons. The formulation makes it sound like these people were somehow formed ex nihilio by means of an evil spell. Though in the case of John Todd, that might as well be true, given his... extracurricular interests.

 

Kelly:

I wonder if coming out of witchcraft is anything like coming out of the closet….

Why the heck is the speech bubble coming out of her back?  This can mean one of two things: witchcraft or permission for butt-rape.

As a side note: I wonder if John Todd ever played Diablo 2 with the Druid as his character.  Or would he have chosen a Necromancer?  Damn, now I will never know.

 

Sean:

I doubt he'd even be able to tell those two apart. Something tells me that anything that sounds remotely unchristian just ends up becoming "Satanist" when it reaches his brain. Even the Barbarian.

Wait a minute, where is she? It looks like the middle of the mountains. Is she expecting to be able to get a ride here? She might get 1 car passing by every few hours, and even then they might not pick her up. Good thing she brought a sleeping bag, she's in for the long haul.

 

Kristin:

Kelly, It definitely refers to the Butt Rape, I think that is the excitement she has been looking to find… at least we all hope!

 

   

Panel 2 Kelly:

Hey those bastards stole and repainted The Mystery Machine! And what the hell happened to Velma?

 

Jessica:

They seem to be reenacting that hitchhiker kidnapping scene from Pink Flamingos. I find it really odd that Chick would have been familiar with that particular work... though I can't quite say what gave me that particular impression.

 

Sean:

These people are driving up a mostly deserted mountain road expecting to find hitch-hiking girls. They have got to be the least efficient kidnappers ever. Maybe that explains the excitement: they're surprised they actually got results.

 

Kelly:

Seriously, though, I’m totally confused with the way Chick goes about bolding and italicizing random phrases and adding unnecessary words to fill in his empty plot.  It’s as if he is trying to make up for the horrid dialogue.  “Look! Up the road… there’s a girl!” Yes… and she’s looking for some excitement!

 

Kristin:

I think they are looking for the same kind of excitement as our hitchhiking friend.

 

   

Panel 3 Jessica:

This displays a rather severe bit of naivety on the part of our poor hitchhiker here. Clearly she's never heard of Karla Homolka.

 

Kelly:

Ooh there’s a girl with him, there is no possible chance she could ever be a lesbian rapist or a crazed jealous lunatic who murders younger, more virginal, women…. Kind of like Countess Elizabeth Bathory who bathed in the blood of virgins.  But no woman could ever be dangerous.  We are perfect little flowers.

 

Sean:

Maybe she's thinking that the man wouldn't dare do anything as long as his girlfriend is nearby. I mean, it's not like couples ever paired up for their crime sprees.

 

Kristin:

Never mind the creeper van. A random woman is a sure bet everything will be all right.

 

   

Panel 4 Kelly::

“Like bitch, I totes had to run and split away from the pad because my like parents were so cruel try to get me to show up to church.  Not because my mother like beat me, my father raped me, or my brothers molested me.  But church.  That’s why I split that joint, yo.”

 

Jessica:

Her folks are trying to cram church down her. Down her what? Her throat? Her shirt? Her pants?

Ewwwww....

 

Andrew:

Donna (our hitch-hiker) actually looks a little bit like Bobby "the Monster" from "The Last Generation".

 

Sean:

Well you can't expect Carter to draw a new face for every single panel. He's gotta cut corners somehow if he wants to put a new comic out every few months.

I will give him some credit though: This is the first time our villain doesn't look like some deformed creature. She actually looks like a normal human being, or at least as close as his art ever gets to one. Subtlety in a Jack Chick work, I guess anything is possible.

 

Kristin:

Just lay back and relax. Pay no mind to the shadows behind the curtain.

 

 

 


Panel 5

Jessica:

Fourteen and hitchhiking to L.A. What does she think is in L.A. anyway?

 

Andrew:

14? They say girls develop more quickly these days, but this was 1974. Either our illustrator doesn't know what a 14 year old girl looks like, or her age in the text was lowered for dramatic impact.

 

Kelly:

@Andrew... of course you'd notice that...

 

Sean:

How could he not? The artist has been going to great lengths to make her look sexy. Small top, exposed midriff, and tight jeans. Perhaps we're getting a good look into some repressed urges of our old friend Jack Chick.

 

Jessica:

I'm guessing this is meant to show all the kiddies that hitchhiking is bad and if you do, Satanist will kidnap and murder you. That sounds like sound advice, but the justification is just a tad flimsy if you ask me.

These two look like the kind of shifty guys you'd see hanging outside the all-male cinema at 2:30 in the morning. Bleh.

 

Sean:

Looks like I spoke too soon. Now we've got Charles Manson with a skin condition and a retired 70's porn star in the backseat.

Spoiler Alert: They're supposed to be the bad guys.

 

Kelly:

Blond [thing 1] in the backseat: "Get your AIDS injection here, no intercourse necessary!"

Brown [thing 2] in the back: "But, why not?"

 

Kristin:

No! I just heard girls can make mad cash selling their bodies in LA!

 

 

 


Panel 6 Jessica:

"This is really living!" She's been on the road for about 90 seconds. Maybe she should withhold judgment for just a little bit.

 

Kelly:

"Ohhh yeeeaaa right behind my ears... that's the spot!!! Yea!!! This is really living!"

 

Sean:

Donna's getting this excited over a VW mini bus? What did she go to school in, a riding mower? I think she'd orgasm if she ever rode in a Toyota. Then again, she already looks pretty um... happy.

 

Andrew:

Serious ape-hands on the guy in the back. He could give Frank Miller of "The Marriage Mess" a run for his money.

 

Jessica:

And here's yet another Bruth copycat. What the hell???

 

Kristin:

This IS living! My parents didn’t have massage hands built in to their van!

 

   

Panel 7 Jessica:

Dirty hippie isn't even wearing any shoes. Or did they yank her clean out of them or something?

 

Kelly:

Learn to wear a seatbelt, woman! Seatbelts save lives!!!

 

Andrew:

Well, it sure is convenient for the guys in the back. Imagine their embarrassment if she had been buckled in.

 

Sean:

Based on the angle of the buckle beneath her, it would have been one hell of a wedgie.

 

Kelly: It feels better when you're strapped down anyway.
Kristin:

Only 6 o’clock?  Wow that’s a new personal record! Grabbed and dead in less than ten minutes!

 

   
   

Panel 8 Jessica:

I understand this girl is in on it with them, but considering they don't seem hesitant to kidnap and murder women for their rituals you'd think she'd be just a bit more reserved with bumming around with these people.

 

Andrew:

I know, right? First time they hit a dry spell for hitchhikers, and who do you think is going to end up on that table?

 

Sean:

Wait, they're actually getting a lot of victims this way? Again, they were driving up a mountain dirt road! They'd be lucky to find anyone, let alone a hitch-hiker! Then again, I'm trying to look for logic in a Jack Chick comic.

 

Kelly:

"Girls thumbing" puts a nice little image in my mind.

 

Kristin:

But were still the last ones to the party! Good thing WE brought the entertainment!

 

 

 

   

Panel 9 Sean:

I like the inverted cross over the pentagram, over the bowl of incense with the runes on it. It's like they didn't think we'd know they were Satanists from the robes and sacrifice, so they shoved them all in there to make sure we knew that they were evil.

 

Kelly:

These guys are much more fashionable than the KKK. Much more color in their wardrobe. Not everything is black and white... you know?

 

Kristin:

Cool décor! Looks like my bedroom when I was in high school!

 

   

Panel 10 Jessica:

Lucifer as a god of peace and love. Classic.

 

Andrew:

Yeah, I'm pretty sure even Satanists don't believe that.

 

Sean:

"We sacrifice a girl and drain her blood in the name of peace and love!"

 

Jessica:

This takes place 8 times a year. Chick has also claimed in the original runs of Poor Little Witch that each year at least 40,000 are murdered by witches. Which is somehow about twice the reported homicide rate in America. Who'd a thunk it?

 

Sean:

Also, he's claiming that these are made 8 times a year on Black Sabbaths, which only come once a year. Not even in his own logic is Jack Chick consistent

 

Kelly:

@ Jess... It's because witches are magic.

 

Jessica:

Actually, guys, the upside-down cross is know as St. Peter's Cross and even though a lot of people who didn't do the research assume it's satanic, it's actually considered holy in a number of denominations, including the Lutherans and the Catholics.

 

Kelly:

I Corinthians: 22 Are we trying to arouse the Lord’s jealousy? Are we stronger than he?

I don't think Chick is saying what he wants by citing this verse. Satanists or paganists really couldn't care about God's jealousy.

 

Andrew:

In context, it's clear that 1 Corinthians 10: 20-22 is about sacrifice: animal sacrifice. Later on, Corinthians says you shouldn't eat meats that were sacrificed to a pagan deity. Which I guess makes sense for Christians, but has little to do with the lurid scene here... or about Lucifer being the "god of peace and love".

 

Kristin:

Peace, Love and little girls…

 

 

 


Panel 11 Jessica:

These two guys just come across a crime scene and decide to stick their noses in. No wonder everyone gets all pissed off at them.

 

Andrew:

"That sounds like the occult!" I am honestly surprised they didn't say vampires. Remember Chick thinks vampires are real.

 

Kelly:

Edward Cullen could not have done something so tragic!!! And remember, vampires sparkle and there was none of their sparkle dust found with the body! Werewolves, though... are a different story. Maybe it was a vampwolf mulatto...

 

Sean:

Those two really have the 70's White cop/Black cop look going for them. No wonder the guy's giving them all the crime details. Only they're both bible-thumpers, so I doubt either of them is going to be the rough streetwise guy who plays by his own rules

 

Kristin:

Did anyone call Dexter?

 

   

Panel 12 Jessica: Boss Hogg keeps referring to Jim as "boy." Is this a B-L-A-C-K thing or something?
Sean:

Gee, I wonder if the cop is in on the whole thing. Nah... couldn't be.

 

Andrew:

What, are witches not as American as those other things listed? Certainly fear of witches is as old as this country.

 

Kelly:

"The VFW, The Grateful Dead, Van Halen, and the Sex Pistols..."

 

Kristin:

This was a great neighborhood… until the witches moved in, then it all went to Hell!

 

   
   
   

Panel 13 Andrew:

Jim: "Someone's got a problem!"

Tim "But... but... but... coffee!"

 

Jessica:

Ye gods! That doe-eyed little moppet looks like he could have been a thalidomide baby.

 

Andrew:

Why the heck did he bring his dog to the store?

 

Jessica:

What exactly is "SSTWEEEEE?" Is he supposed to be whistling? And how is the kid simultaneously saying "Here Tammy!" AND telling Jim he'll look down the block? Maybe he has the Voice of the Legion.

 

Sean:

We looked everywhere! At least everywhere within a 1 block radius. Because there's no way a dog can go any further than that. The kid looks like a Muppet in that last panel. Also, a single tear is apparently all you need to show a sad expression. Nice artwork guys.

 

Kelly:

Tammy is gone; and as such a supportive person, I have some great words of sympathy: "Do you know where you can buy a puppy?"

 

Kristin:

Who the Hell are these guys and why cant they seem to just mind their own god-damn business.

 

 

 


Panel 14 Jessica:

Jim seems to think that one dog is just as good as another. Like the kid had no particular attachment to Tammy and is just upset to be out a pet.

 

Sean:

Jumping the gun aren't we, Jim? "Sorry kid, we looked for your dog for five minutes and couldn't find her. Here's some money for a new puppy." Try putting up posters or something before you assume the worst.

So, you'll keep an eye out for Tammy, but you're also telling him to get a new dog and get over her? Bit of a mixed message there.

 

Andrew:

"Buy that pup, right away!" This is urgent!

 

Jessica:

Tough break kid. If you had just rotated 180 instead of braying incessantly against the fourth wall Tammy might have been saved. But now she's going to suffer a horrible, gruesome death. And it's ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

 

Kelly:

They killed the old Scooby and are now going for a cuter, younger, more innocent image. "Tammy Tammy Doo, where are you? We need some blood from you now..."

 

Kristin:

Or take the money and blow it on cocaine and hookers… That will help you forget your precious Tammy as well!

 

   

Panel 15 Sean:

"Okay, we should ask a pastor for information. Should we try a nearby church?" "Nah, let's drive a mile outside of town. I have a good feeling about that one." You know, if you don't get any information from that one, you'll just have to drive back in and try one of the ones in town so you might as well start nearby. Plus, you're specifically looking for a pastor? How do you know that particular church isn't Satanic Catholic?

 

Jessica:

They just pick a church at random and assume the guy inside would have some information. They know not every church is run by "True Christians™" so this seems rather trusting of them.

 

Andrew:

Lucky for them, the car belongs to the pastor, who hangs around the church at all times, as opposed to, say, the janitor. Maybe "Pastor Cooley" really is just the janitor, and this whole sequence of events is a misunderstanding.

 

Kelly:

I love the rays of light behind the church... and why weren't there any churches in town for them to go to?

 

   
   
   

Panel 16 Jessica:

Pastor Cooley looks a bit like W.C. Fields. I like to think he sounds like him too.

 

Kelly:

No, Mr. Clark, this is the 20th century... we only have concentration camps, mass genocide, thermonuclear weapons, biological warfare, and Grand Funk Railroad.

 

Sean:

Good job trying to make him seem inconspicuous. That is until he started saying "Haw Haw", because only the godless heathens laugh like that.

 

   

Panel 17
Jessica:

No blood? VAMPIRES!!!!

 

Andrew:

While Jack Chick sometimes throws objects into the panel just to fill in space, Fred Carter is more economical with space, which means that if it's in the panel, it's important. I looked up the Common Bible to see what I could find. Published in 1973 (the year before this comic), the Common Bible is a version of the Revised Standard Version of the Bible. I couldn't find picture of the cover looking like it does here.

The Common Bible is set up to please both Protestants and Catholics, in the interest of ecumenical relations. Of course, this probably offends Chick in two ways. First of all, Chick believes any translation other than KJV is a Satanic counterfeit. In fact, the publication of the RSV was a major factor in the KJV only movement. Add to this Chick's basic hostility to Catholicism, and to any attempts to bridge the gap, and this book might as well be Anton LeVey's Satanic Bible.

 

Kelly:

Yes, in the enlightened age where people sucked energy for their lava lamps. And, of course, smoked pot, a whole lot of pot.

 

Sean:

"But Pastor Cooley, the evidence is stacking up! The one girl we found drained of blood points to a massive rise in the church of Satanism! After all, a serial killer doing this would just be silly!"

 

   
   

Panel 18 Jessica:

That is a good point, though. If you don't believe most of the tenants of Christianity, why would you bother being a Christian pastor?

 

Sean:

Well it can't be for the money. That church looks smaller than your average McDonalds. Maybe everyone is very generous with the collection plate.

 

Andrew:

Even with Chick's twisted logic, that makes no sense. "I'm a Christian who doesn't believe in pretty much any element of that religion."

It's good to know that Chick's talking buildings are still around.

 

Kelly:

Well, fuck, man! You must be here for the consistent swarm of young boys.

 

   
   

Panel 19 Jessica:

WHAAARRRRR-GRBLL

 

Sean: Jesus dude, calm down! Man, these liberal pastors flip out over everything in the Chickverse. "Do you believe in the Bible?" "No!! Now GTFO of my church you bigoted zealots!!!!" Oh well, I'm sure it's all just anger issues and he has absolutely nothing to do with the Satanist cult in this town.

 

Andrew:

Chick does love him some straw-men, doesn't he?

 

Kelly:

I love how Jim's hand is half the size of Pastor C's arm.

"What hope does your congregation have if you deny the Word of God?"

"I said, 'Get Out'!"

That's right everyone get some "Get Out" hope today! It will only cost you your soul and your political affiliation.

 

   
   

Panel 20 Jessica:

Do you mean to tell me most pastors don't keep human skulls in their offices?

 

Andrew:

"I'll fix them both!" So what does he do? Pick up the phone? No... he... lights a candle. Also, this guy only pops up once more, in the next to last page. So he never really "fixes them".

"God is Love". No irony like ham-handed irony, eh Jack?

 

Sean:

Yeah, this one church turned out to be a bust. Let's go to the library instead of just trying another one. First the dog and now this, these guys really give up easily.

Oh my god the pastor is part of the cult! What a tweest!

 

Kelly:

"Something's wrong... Let's go to the library."

Yea, sorry Ron but without Hermie we can't do shit.

 

   
   

Panel 21 Jessica:

This backwater burg doesn't even use the Dewey Decimal system. Instead they just label their shelves by subject, which seems like it would be pretty darn inconvenient.

 

Andrew:

So they have an "occult" section and a "witchcraft" section which are in different areas. Does Chick know how libraries are organized?

 

Jessica:

If the town wants to keep this information from outsiders why do they have those sections to begin with?

Or is the suggestion that the town is so overrun with Satanists that they've checked every book out?

 

Kelly:

I'm surprised that he knows that sooo many occult books exist while being the God-fearing perfect Christian that he is. Why don't they just look in his collection?

 

Sean:

Wow, I'm impressed. These guys actually tried a second time for once. Then again, if they have separate sections for "Occult" and "Witchcraft" why not try searching under "Satanism", "Paganism", "Wicca", and "Pastafarianism"? Apparently it's all the same thing.

 

   

Panel 22 Sean:

"We have shelves dedicated to both witchcraft and the occult, but they're empty and then we say we don't have the books to begin with. We're totally not part of a satanic cult that does not exist in this town, I swears!"

 

Andrew:

"She's lying!" No shit Sherlock. Unless the library just likes to leave open shelves under its idiosyncratic classification scheme. "Books on the occult would go here, if we had any."

 

Kelly:

This library only contains good, sweet, innocent, delights for the young mind. You know, like, Wuthering Heights, Dracula, The Scarlet Letter, and The Rape of the Lock.

 

   

Panel 23 Andrew:

"That's nice." I don't know what kind of vocal inflection should go with that line. Is it grandma's indulgent "that's nice" like when you tell her you got past level 7 of some video game? Or is it the sarcastic "that's nice" of a sullen teenager? I have a hard time reading it as sincere.

 

Kelly:

Why did Barbara suddenly get fatter? Apparently all fat people are evil.

 

Jessica:

No, no, no. You see... all evil people are fat. It's not the same thing.

 

Sean:

Barbara? Barbara Bush? I gotta admit the resemblance is uncanny. Also, Babs here is really rocking the man hands.

 

   

Panel 24 Andrew:

You know, they never do reach that library. Too bad it's about 25 years too early for Google Maps.

 

Kelly:

Why do they need direction if they know where they are supposed to be going?

"Gracious loving Father, please grant us clear roads, nice weather, no stop signs or lights, and magnificent future orgasms.............Amen."

 

Sean:

I know you guys pray over everything: to find love, have your team win the superbowl, and making sure that your Denny's Grand Slam isn't too greasy... but maybe you shouldn't pray while you're driving a car! Or maybe you're praying you won't get into an accident.

 

 

 

   

Panel 25
Jessica:

They asked for leading, and what they got was a torrential downpour. Close enough I guess.

 

Sean:

Now they're driving around in the Striped Tomato from Starsky and Hutch. Did we mention this was made in the 70's?

 

Andrew:

Oh, so Jim now knows how far it is. So I guess they prayed to God, then got directions. That's kind of hedging your bets, isn't it?

 

Jessica:

That "SCREEECH!" isn't the tires, it's Tim squealing like a 6 year old girl.

 

Kelly:

It's a man!!! We can tell because...

 

   
   
   

Panel 26 Kelly:

Thank you, Lord for sending us a downpour and letting us almost hit some hooded dude and making me have an accident... Sincerely, Tim.

 

Kristin:

Why yes actually, thank you for asking… I do what to die but I was hoping for pneumonia instead of being run over.

 

   
   
   

Panel 27 Andrew:

"Ladyfingers they taste like ladyfingers."

I looked hard to find anything about the supposed incident, and I came across this article, which is itself pushing a conspiracy theory about the Best Friends animal sanctuary, which is bizarre enough to be worth reading in its own right. Fortunately, that article did list a source, though that second article doesn't cite anything at all, and goes on to talk about Satanic conspiracies. I would really like something more official, like a police report, or almost anything at all to indicate that this story didn't just emerge from the bowels of conspiracy theory hell.

 

Kelly:

Human fingers, I'm sure, are a rare delicacy in some places. The damned French.

 

Sean:

How can you tell those are human fingers? With the artwork so convoluted they look more like moss covered twigs.

"I ate his fingers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti!"

 

Kristin:

:Is he stoned? Yes! And where do I get shit that good?

 

   
   

Panel 28 Sean:

That's a bit of a leap of logic to assume it's Satanism. Did you ever think that maybe he's just a crazed cannibal drug addict?

 

Andrew:

That lower-right panel makes me think of Ponyo, with a huge wave of water looming overhead.

 

Kelly:

That car has bad brakes...

"OK, friend -- we're going to take a little ride..."

On my disco-stick.

 

Kristin:

Yay! Lets take the stoned zombie for a ride maybe he will show us his source!

 

   
   

Panel 29 Sean:

Good idea by the way: take the insane cannibal in your car with you. There's no way that can possibly backfire.

"Gulp! They found the drugged out cannibal! Now there's no way they can't trace it back to us!"

 

Andrew:

He thinks "Gulp", but does he actually gulp? The world may never know.

 

Kelly:

So wait, did they find the guy or car on the road, or both? I love the lack of punctuation.

What the hell is that blue thing behind Tim to the right... Maybe that's why the officer is facing think-gulp syndrome. Gagagagaghooost!

 

Kristin:

At least I think he is a cannibal… he wanted to put his mouth on my most sensitive spots.

 

   
   

Panel 30 Sean:

Wait... earlier Jim said they were less than a half hour away from the other town. So instead of going to the police station there, they turned around and went back? More time to spend with the guy who might bite a chunk out of your neck I guess.

I like Tim's pose in the first panel: "I bet I look fabulous in these pants!"

 

Andrew:

Dig the bellbottoms. Tim and Jim are seriously stylin'.

 

Kelly:

35 miles to get to a police station?

Bell bottoms- red bell bottoms.... No, no queerness here.

 

Kristin:

Wow! Fred is a big puss of a cop! One little finger in the pocket and he is all like “I’m gonna blow chunks!”

 

   
   

Panel 31 Sean:

"You were by the Coroner's car when the sheriff chewed us out" and yet the artist didn't think it was important to draw him into that scene.

I always suspected there was something going on but I couldn't... *Puts on Sunglasses* Put my finger on it *YEEAAAAHHH!!!!*

 

Andrew:

"Here's my card."

"Thanks, Officer Bradley. Wait, is this a Laffy Taffy wrapper?"

"No, that's my card."

"I'm pretty sure it's just a Laffy Taffy wrapper. See here, it says 'What kind of bird breaks the law? An Ill Eagle!'"

"Nope, that's my contact information. Call me if you find anything!" (Shuffles away).

 

Kelly:

Why couldn't I put my finger on it, you ask? Well, it was busy on something else.

 

   
   

Panel 32 Jessica:

...wait a minute. Jim is taking off his shirt. Something isn't right here...

 

Andrew:

All right. I normally wouldn't wade into this stuff, because I know I'm not a master of theology, but this Ezekiel 28 stuff is exactly the kind of thing that used to drive me nuts back when I went to church and called myself a Christian.

Ezekiel 28: 13-14 is from a set of verses that Ezekiel says he's been told to deliver to the Prince of Tyre, who has apparently made a serious mess of things. I'd like to remind everyone at this point that Tyre is and was a real city, with actual people living there, not some kind of mythological construct, and like most places of the time, it would have had a monarch. In other words, there is no reason a reference to the Prince of Tyre should call for anybody other than the man who answers to that title.

However, the interpretation of these lines by Chick and by others is that Ezekiel is "really" talking about Lucifer. The argument seems to be that the terms used to describe the Prince of Tyre seem unreasonable for a human being, but not for a being such as Lucifer, even though that name doesn't occur anywhere in the passage, or anyplace around it. Everyone catch that? According to this interpretation, the "Prince of Tyre" is a metaphor, standing for something else and not what it literally means. Which is curious in the context of people like Chick who feel the Bible is literally true, and that (for example) when Genesis says creation took 7 days, that means 7 24-hour periods. My feeling is this: if the Bible is literal, Ezekiel 28: 13-14 is about the Prince of Tyre and that's it. If you want to say it's about Lucifer, that's fine too... but don't try to tell me that everything else must be literal.

 

Kelly::

"It's exciting... let me share it with you." Jim and Tim are going to get it on XD.

As a side note, something about God, Lucifer, la la la.

 

Sean:

Despite the fact that I apparently know more about the Bible than any so called Biblical Scholar, I need Tim to explain to me how Satan got started. Oh, and nice muscles by the way. Apparently faces, backgrounds, and scale is too much for the artist, but the rippling muscles of a tall handsome black man are doable. .....No Homo.

 

Jessica:

Oh, there's Homo all right. There's Homo all up in this piece.

 

Kristin:

Nothing like a little bible talk to put me in the mood…

 


Panel 33 Andrew:

At least Isaiah 14 really is about Lucifer, and the II Peter and Jude passages really are about the rebellious angels. I guess that's something.

 

Kelly:

Satan and his followers, in the lower left frame as the heaven cloud is nowhere to be seen.

 

Sean:

Looks like the scientists were all wrong! It's not the ozone layer that's around the earth, it's a layer of Demons!

Again with the well drawn muscles. Someone's really holding back their urges.

 

 

 

   
   

Panel 34 Kelly:

...In this portrayal, Satan is kind of hot. Literally and physically.

 

Andrew:

Aww crap, looks like we've entered the "Sunday School" part of the comic.

Wake me up when it's time for donuts and coffee.

 

Sean:

This may be my first commentary, but even I'm sick of this already. I'm gonna get a beer, something tells me I'll need it before we're finished.

 

Kristin:

Did Satan dye his hair?

 

   

Panel 35 Sean:

Huh, those are the zodiac signs in the background. Looks like he's taking a crack at Astrology too. It's like he's taking the opportunity to shove everything he deems "Satanic" in at once. Now all we're missing is Catholicism, Evolution and D&D.

Also, Jim has his shirt back on despite taking it off not just a few moments ago.

 

Kelly:

"Souls of Men!!!" and women can just go wherever the hell they want, he wanted the men!!! Dammit! He needed the men, for his "main thrust into the..." well...

 

Kristin:

Nimrod was the first to sacrifice the children in fire, but now… Everyone’s doing it!

 

   
   

Panel 36 Andrew:

I've said it before: the only people who believe that Wicca (as we know it today) has been around for thousands of years are Wiccans and people like Jack Chick. Anyone else find that comical?

 

Sean:

Yeah, Wicca as we know it isn't even 100 years old yet. Hell, Jack Chick (If we're to believe he's as old as they claim) is older than it. Then again, all religions that aren't his particular brand of Christianity are just Satanism in disguise. Even the church of the Jedi Knights.

 

Kelly:

"Does his organization have money?"

No, but it has lots and lots of ladyfingers...

 

 

 

   

Panel 37 Jessica:

Wait! Stop! LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES ON FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY!!!

 

Sean:

Okay, time to add 3 more entries to the list of things Mr. Chick hates. Keep it up and we'll be able to fill the Library of Congress.

 

Kelly:

"But we know who wins in the end! Right?"

Oh yea, brother...

 

Sean:

Aaand Jim's taking his shirt off, again. Only this time it's changed to a white and blue striped one. Seriously, did anyone bother to proof-read this? A little consistency within your own comic is all I'm asking for.

 

Kristin:

According to Jack Chick, Broadway is the closest thing to hell here on earth!

 

   

Panel 38 Sean:

Now it's pink again. I give up, there's no need to put any effort into this since no one in the production crew did.

The boy actually went out and got a puppy, but he still seems sad. Hmm.... I wonder if it's because he lost a beloved pet he's probably had for years, then two guys help him look for 2 minutes, give up , and just tell him to get a new dog. Oh, and as if we didn't need enough convincing that these guys were evil, they sacrifice cute doggies to their evil master. Why stop there Jack? Maybe you could show them kicking old ladies, running red lights and ripping those "Do not remove" tags off their pillows.

 

Andrew:

How many muscles can we cram into a panel? Just a little more and we're in Rob Liefeld territory.

 

Kelly:

Wait everyone, Mini-Justin-Bieber is crying!

Oh no, not Tammy Doo!

 

Andrew:

I love the idea of Satan asking permission.

(Knock knock knock)

Satan: "Hey. Hey Jesus."

Jesus: (stretching) "What, man? You know what time it is?"

Satan: "Couldn't wait. I wanted to ask your permission, you know, to move against a Christian."

Jesus: "Naw... no way man. You got me up for this?"

Satan: "But I wanted to..."

Jesus: "Go back to bed. It'll make more sense in the morning."

 

   
 

 


Panel 39 Jessica:

Nope. I definitely don't see two beds.

Did they? Did they really...?

 

Andrew:

Is Chick just that sheltered that he doesn't know how this looks?

 

Sean:

Wow, um... I was just kidding with the comments earlier.

Hang on, a white guy, a black guy, an ambiguously gay relationship... oh hell, if I don't do it someone else will: "IT'S GUY LOVE! BETWEEN TWO GUYS...."

 

Kelly:

Yea, Tim's "chicken" woke him up this morning.

"Lets pray, Tim... because we did a really bad thang."

 

Kristin:

Bitch! Where’s my breakfast! You’ve been up for hours! Now hurry up!

 

   

Panel 40 Andrew:

And now they refer to each other by their full names, instead of Tim and Jim.

 

Kelly:

James... Timothy... so they are symbols of the disciples. Yes, kids, be a disciple of Christ:; go gay!

 

Kristin:

Who prays all hunched up like that? That can’t feel good.

 

   
   

Panel 41 Andrew:

:The food's terrible, but I eat here every day!

 

Kelly:

Busty Red-head: "Yeah, do you know about things like that... are you, you know, free later?"

Jim: Why am I always stuck as his wingman? Damn, after all we've been through... and last night! Last Night!

 

Sean:

Jesus, look at their hands in this page! Either that's a tiny menu, or Sheyla Hershey's less than a handful to them

A lightning bolt in a pentagram. I knew Harry Potter was satanic!

 

   
   
   

Panel 42 Sean:

"I'd love to hear about it, but not around these common folk. " I guess accepting Jesus turns you into a snob.

 

Kristin:

“Yeah he is so totally cool and I’m like so way dedicated to being like a Satanist because like all my friends are doing it so it must be good… right?”

 

Jessica:

Indeed, go across the street to the park with these two unassuming gentlemen. Jeez, the girls in these things really are overly trusting, aren't they?

Or maybe she can pick up on the fact they're as gay as old Dad's Hat-band just as easily as we can?

 

   

Panel 43 Sean:

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

80%? Damn! I went to college in California, and I doubt even 1% of our students were into Wicca/Witchcraft/Raëlism (Or whatever disguise Satan is using)

 

Kristin:

The real secret to the story is that Jody is actually the angry sheriff’s daughter! Explains why he was so damn sensitive about the witches!

 

Jessica:

All it took was someone telling her "God doesn't do anything anymore?" Don't you think it would be more likely she was being told everything she did and wanted to do would send her to Hell for eternity? That's what tends to turn most people off to church.

 

   
   

Panel 44 Sean:

"I've seen him do things that will blow your mind! For instance, did you know he can pull coins out of people's ears?"

 

Kristin:

“My teacher  told me that if I ever wanted any chance of passing the 10th grade I had to join The Satan club for extra credit."

 

Jessica:

"Speaking of blowing... if we're going to continue this conversation I'm going to have to charge you. But not him. No... too big... too big..."

"By the way... you aren't a cop, are you? Because you have to tell me if you are!"

 

   

Panel 45 Sean:

Earlier you said you never saw Christians do anything supernatural, and now you're saying they're immune to mind control (Just roll with it). If these guys are the only ones you can't manipulate, then that's a pretty big example of them having some sort of power.

"Really? I've never heard that before! Despite growing up white-bread America, going to church for most of my life, and experiencing first hand that I can't control them with my witchcraft, no one ever told me that Jesus had any power. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!"

 

Kristin:

“Well… he cant control you two, because I have been trying to get him to make you guys have a threesome with me in the park ALL morning!”

 

Jessica:

Jesus is moving mightily in the supernatural today <sic>? I've got just one thing to say to that.

 

   
   

Panel 46 Sean:

Jody here really seems to be flip-flopping all over the place. First she's gung-ho about Satanism, then she's interested in Christianity, then back to Satanism because of all the good stuff she gets, and finally back because she's afraid. Is she bipolar or something?

 

Kristin:

Not THAT afraid… She is in the park, alone, with two strange men who could being doing all kinds of crazy stuff with her. Right now!

 

   
   

Panel 47 Sean:

Once again we've reached the part where someone who's lived in the United States all their life has no idea who Jesus is. Has she never turned on her TV or radio for more than 5 minutes?

"You mean his blood will wash away all the horrible things I've done?" "Yes, even the things you do with your shower nozzle"

 

Kristin:

Yes Jody… Even murder! And why is she so willing to dish the dirt on all of her naughty little secrets.

 

Jessica:

Then this guy she barely knows whips out the cuffs and drags her down to the station. Certainly is a trusting little tramp, now isn't she?

 

   
   

Panel 48 Sean:

Can we skip this part? I've already seen it a thousand times.

 

Kristin:

He wants to come into more than just your heart, Jody.

 

Jessica:

"I don't know about coming into my heart, but I usually charge extra for something like that. Is this 'Jesus' a big tipper?"

 

   
   

Panel 49 Sean:

Tim calls her Judy, but Jim calls her Jody... Oh come on!! Now you're just doing this on purpose!

"New beautiful body. Not like the one you have now!" Smooth move there Timmy.

 

Jessica:

These two are so used to rattling off this pre-rehearsed schtick that they can't even keep the poor girl's name straight. Judy, Jody, Jenny... whatever in the hell your name is... accept Jesus now!!!

 

Kristin:

But then If I told you, you wouldn’t pay the $8.50 to see the movie and God would think his production was a flop!

 

Jessica:

God will give you all this stuff! It'll be awesome!!! You'll have superpowers!!! And angels rubbing your feet and shit! That's what this is all about!!! Stuff!!!

 

   

Panel 50 Sean:

Gotta love the background in the second panel. "OMG! People praying? I've never seen that before!!" Guess the mom and her kid are also part of the Satanist cult in town, why else would they do a double-take like that?

How did the guy at the diner know what they were doing in the park? Wasn't the whole point of going there to avoid being noticed by him? Sense: This comic makes none.

 

Jessica:

"Well, damn! This town as an ordinance against more than two people kneeling in a public park. Someone call the cops so they can write those ruffians a citation."

 

Kristin:

Wow! That’s all it takes to feel good! I should quit doing drugs and just start praying!

 

Jessica:

"I'm higher than Jesus right now!!!"

The look on J(o/u)dy's face there always reminded me of that Farrah Fawcett poster. You know the one.

 

   
   

Panel 51 Sean:

Jody's really barking up the wrong tree. Look at Jim's expression there. "Why's she being so affectionate to us?" "Just roll with it Chocolate Bear. She'll get the hint at some point."

Also, how are these panels arranged? They seem to zigzag from left to right to left again. Guess we needed the tall panel to show off the muscles again.

 

Kristin:

Jody was just looking for an excuse to ditch those two squares, she didn’t even wear a jacket.

 

Jessica:

"...yeah. I gotta go guys. I think I left some... food... in the oven..."

 

   
   

Panel 52 Sean:

Someone's messed with the Striped Tomato, so Jody/Judy's gotta be in danger. Or maybe someone just vandalized your car for parts. Nah, it's definitely Satanists.

 

Jessica:

The distributor cap is somehow directly related to Jody's safety. WTF? Is it an essential component in her Iron Man pacemaker or something?

 

   
   

Panel 53 Sean:

"He's lying!" Gee, you think?

 

Jessica:

Naw, dude. That incredibly gaudy pentagram necklace belonged to some other wayward teenager. Don't you remember what she said? %80.

 

 

 

   

Panel 54 Sean:

What would Jesus do? Slam a door into a man who's offered no physical resistance to him. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Jim's got a very good memory, the Mystery Machine just drove away at top speed and he already knows the license plate number by heart.

Also, every shot of Jim gives us a nice view of his backside, the tight shirt and exposed muscles aren't helping either. Just sayin'.

 

Jessica:

I know, right? Why are Tim and Jim put together like He-Man action figures?

 

Kristin:

This is a messed up town! Café guy call the Satanist on one of their own for talking to two dudes! Whoa!

 

 

 

   

Panel 55 Sean:

"Wouldn't miss it for anything"? This isn't a party you know, you're trying to save a girl's life. Does Mr. Chick have any idea how people actually talk? At the very least, these idiots are being sensible for a change and getting backup from the police. "I have faith that Jesus will protect me! But just in case, I'm gonna be packing heat."

 

Jessica:

I wouldn't miss this sacrifice for the world! I heard it's going to be one raging kegger!!!

 

Kristin:

They do their Satan worship at the guys house!? Would anyone really expect them to just be home and why are they waiting till 9pm to save the girl?

 

 

 

   

Panel 56 Sean:

Me and my big mouth. I know Jim's a big guy and all, but maybe you should wait for the people with guns. Hey wait a moment... Big muscular black man, large afro and mustache, crashes through the door... Holy hell it's BIG JIM SLADE!!

 

Kristin:

And they all stop and say: Guess what Jim? You’re on Candid Camera!

 

Jessica:

Faster, Satanists! Kill! Kill!

 

   
   

Panel 57 Sean:

If your child has swallowed something toxic, simply invoke the will of Jesus to induce vomiting.

 

Kristin:

Cool! That works? I will have to try the “make your friends puke” trick  for fun!

 

Jessica:

Magic vomiting powers. That's false advertisement if I've ever seen it.

 

   

Panel 58 Sean:

"Boy, the Lord really answered my prayers." True, but don't forget he did let you get kidnapped in the first place, and only intervened by having Jim do all the work.

How is it that a naked woman wrapped in a blanket is presented less sexily than half the stuff we've seen involving Turk and J.D. here?

"Hey! It's Rev. Cooley!"And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for that meddling ambiguously gay interracial couple!!"...What? You knew that joke was coming!

 

Jessica:

Damn, man! You beat me to it!

...and here we have shades of Dark Dungeons again. Got a problem with some "subversive" literature? Burn it!

 

 

 

   

Panel 59 Jessica:

"Hi, I'm Tim of the Crusaders... and I'm here today to talk to you about that many benefits of Hanes® turtleneck shirts..."


Andrew:

Please tell me Fred Carter knows enough about anatomy to realize Satan's body position on the right looks very little like praying and very much like something else.

 

Sean:

Satan is constipated? No wonder he's been so pissed off all these years. Once again Fred: Very nice muscles there. Even Lucifer's too sexy for his shirt.

 

Jessica:

I am sure Satan is terrifed. The way they have him hog-tied like that it looks like that angry mob of dead Christians are about to take turns sodomizing him. It would take decades!

 

   
   

Conclusion
Sean:

Well this was certainly an interesting experience. I gotta say though, this was probably one of Chick's lazier works. The insanity just kinda fizzles out, and never reaches the ridiculous heights of many of his other comics. Not once does he ever try to connect this back to the Catholic Church or the NWO, and aside from the projectile vomiting cultists we don't get any of the really silly supernatural stuff. Even the typical conversion scene feels tacked-on by his usual standards. That said, it's still enjoyably bad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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Last Modified: December 22, 2013

 

 

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