Not Another Relgious Tract Dissection by Andrew Bean and Jessica Blum


Today's Candidate:



© 1991 Jack Chick

Uploaded January 5th, 2016



God gave Noah a way to escape the flood. God made a way for you to escape the next judgment ... Jesus!

Page Index

Introduction
Cover | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21
Conclusion



"Killer Storm" is a relatively straight forward accounting of the Noahide flood myth. Additionally there is something of a frame story about turn of the century Russians who supposedly found the ark only to have had the evidence captured by "communists" and lost to history. How convenient.


Introduction
Sean:

Noah's Flood... well, well well... By far the most scientifically absurd chapter of the Bible. Yet, far too many Bible-Thumpers still insist that it's an accurate account of events occurring some 5000 odd years ago (despite evidence of civilizations and cultures persisting during this supposed apocalyptic event). Naturally, Jack Chick clings to this ridiculous tale, and as part of his Biblical reenactment series of tracts... we get "Killer Storm".

 

   
   
   

Sean:

Not a bad cover actually.

 

Jessica: I don't know of many other tracts that have bylines like that, so extra points there I guess.
   
   

Sean:

Who the hell is "Sergi"? Based on the date and ethnicity of the uh, discoverer, it seems that they're talking about the WW1 era sighting by "Vladimir Roskovitsky" (Later proven to be a false name). That's Jack Chick for you, he can't even research his own false stories.

 

Jessica:

Once again Chick supports his argument by stating "Look at this other book I wrote, it will prove I am right!"

 

   
   

Sean:

The most important discovery of the age, that has since eluded satellite photos and modern expeditions.

 

Jessica:

I highly doubt that whatever these Russians saw (if they in fact existed and saw anything) looked like that. Miracles aside, if the ark were lying on Mt. Ararat for four thousand years there would be NOTHING LEFT of it.

 

   
   

Sean:

Yeah, the great war was a fine time to fund expeditions to Turkey based on the testimonies of two guys who had probably been hitting the vodka a little too hard. No wonder the Bolshevik's revolted.

 

Jessica:

Yep, Csar Nicholas is where you go for a reasonable, measured response.

 

   
   
   

Sean:

I dunno, floor side seats to bareknuckled MMA matches seems like a pretty sweet deal.

 

Jessica:

Violence is everywhere today. If the flood was supposed to rid the earth of violence it sure did a shitty job of it.

 

   
   

Sean:

I love the expression on his daughter-in-law's face in the far right corner. She's all like "What the hell are you smoking?"

 

Jessica:

I see the artist was careful to include eight people in this illustration. That would line up with the eight people supposedly saved on the ark. No discussion however on how these eight people could operate a vessel of that size AND care for hundreds if not thousands of animals at the same time.

 

   
   

Sean:

Putting aside the fact that cubits were a highly subjective unit of measurement, the notion of an Ark that size is, oh what's the word... stupid. The amount of timber required to build the substantially smaller Great Michael (240 feet long) required all the timber within the shipbuilding county of Fife, as well as large quantities imported from France and the Baltic Sea. Its construction took a grand total of seven years using 16th century shipbuilding technology and a literal King's budget. Oh, and it was reinforced with iron and steel, metals that would have been well above the tech level of Noah's time. It would be nothing short of a miracle that this Ark wouldn't have collapsed under its own weight, let alone carried its cargo for about a year in severely rough waters.

 

Jessica:

Not surprisingly many believers of the flood myth resort to the use of miracles when you present them with evidence such as this. Of course, if you are going to rely on magic why bother with facts at all?

 

   
   

Sean:

Cranes and Pulleys? Wow, the anachronisms are strong with this one. The earliest known Pulleys are found in Mesopotamia circa 1500BC, the Crane was about 900 years later

 

Jessica:

So Noah built this enormous ship all by himself? Even if he drafted his three sons-in-law to help four people could never have even built the machinery to construct the ark by themselves had the technology been available.

And what is this bullshit about mist? How is that supposed to work exactly?

   
   

Sean:

No, that would be Cain. He never died, which would make him about 5999 years old.

 

Jessica:

God was just waiting for Methuselah to kick it before he turned on the faucets? Why exactly?

 

   
   

Sean:

Two Elephants, two Hippos, two Brachiosaurs... yeah even given the dimensions of the Ark, that's not enough space to house the food they'd need. That is assuming they didn't break the ark right away.

 

Jessica:

"God also told Noah how much food to bring on board"

...to which Noah immediately said "Are you high? there isn't nearly enough space for all these animals, let alone the food needed to feed them!"

 

   
   

Sean:

"Haw Haw!" I think Noah forgot to load the donkeys.

 

Jessica:

No shortage of asses in this tracts.

 

   
   

Sean:

If the Earth was watered with mist, how do you know what rain is?

 

Jessica:

So where'd the water come from? If it had never rained it couldn't have been in the atmosphere.

 

   
   

Sean:

Yeah.... about that. The Flood story of Genesis is actually a direct rip off of several myths from various cultures. The most obvious of which would be the character Utnapishtim from The Epic of Gilgamesh, also known as Ziusudra or Atrahasis. Much like Noah, Utnapishtim was tasked by the Gods to build a ship, carry all the animals he could and ride out the flood. This was far from the only story however, as the Hindu myth of Manu tells of similar circumstances, just replace Yahweh with Vishnu. However my personal favorite would be the Chinese variant, because instead of building an Ark, the hero Gun Yu opts to organize and build dams and dykes to curb the rising waters. Even in the Bronze Age the Abrahamic faiths were backwards and primitive.

 

   
   
   
   

Sean:

The great Deluge destroyed the city of Enoch, causing Caine to abandon his Childer and Grand-Childer, who feasted on their sires to become the Antediluvians - wait, no. That's a much better story.

 

Jessica:

Just goes to show that given half a chance the ridiculous stories in the bible can be made more badass than even the original authors were capable of.

 

   
   

Sean:

Wow... just...just wow. For all your self-righteousness and holier than thou attitude Jack, you just had to show an image of a mother struggling in vain to save her baby. Keep in mind, we're supposed to be rooting for God here,  and this is usually the part Bible-Thumpers gloss over. But Jack Chick decided to go all the way and actually show the part with the drowning babies! Between shit like this, "Mean Momma", "It's not your Fault" or "Lisa", sometimes I wish I believed in a Hell, just so he could actually go there.

 

Jessica:

So, was that baby wicked? It must have done something to deserve to drown in the flood, right?

 

   
   

Sean:

"Are you sure we should be doing this sir? You know that there's a pretty big war going on, and the working class is on the verge of revolt. Maybe the money used in this expedition could be put to better use back home or at the front?"


"Eh, I'm sure it'll be fine. What's the worst that could happen?"

 

Jessica:

I completely forgot about these tools.

 

   

 

 

 

Sean:

(Actually, the fact that they claimed to find it on "Mount Ararat" is proof enough that the story is bogus in some shape or form. The specific passage states that the Ark landed at "The Mountains of Ararat" Genesis 8:4), "Ararat" as it turns out, was the Hebrew pronunciation of "Urartu", an Iron Age kingdom in the Armenian area. Meaning that the boat just landed in the Armenian highlands somewhere. That mountain in particular was only given the name long after the Bible had been written, and in fact is not referred to by that name in either the Turkish or Kurdish languages. I believe the phrase, is "Drop the Mic".

 

Jessica:

Like I said, four thousand years there would be nothing left of a wooden vessel on top of an ice covered mountain. Even if there was it wouldn't be recognizable as a ship of any sort.

 

   
   

Sean:

Well that answers the question about whether Noah was the Catcher or the Pitcher. *Rimshot*

 

Jessica:

All of the animals were confined to cages for an entire year and then just walked off the ark with no problems whatsoever? Anyone else see the problem with this?

Dude in the middle looks like a circus clown. Just sayin'.

 

   
   

Sean:

If the documents were lost, then how do you know about it?

 

   
   
   

Sean:

Fun fact: the 1/3rd of the Earth figure is actually lifted from the Zoroastrian apocalypse.

 

Jessica:

Is that a tree he's standing next to or a geyser of shit? Ancient Jerusalem must have had serious sewage problems.

 

   
   

Sean:

Sheesh Jack, enough with the graphic pictures of the crucifixion! The Aztec religion wasn't this focused on bloody sacrifice!

 

Jessica: As much as Christians like to deride other "heathen" religions this whole blood sacrifice thing is nothing new to Christianity.
   
   

Sean:

Huh, that's an awful lot of white people in white robes... just saying.

 

Jessica:

Chick is loathe to insinuate that brown people actually go to Heaven unless you in one of those "Black Adapted" tracts.

 

   
   

Conclusion
Sean:

So there you have it, God got angry at people being evil and drowned them all, which didn't work so now he's going to set fire to the Earth and condemn you to eternal agony unless you accept the brutal sacrifice of an innocent man who just wanted everyone to try being nice for a change. It's one thing to take this whole thing metaphorically, but as we're all aware, Jack Chick believes every single word of this story is literal.

 

   
   
   

 
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Last Modified: January 5, 2016