Not Another Relgious Tract Dissection by Andrew Bean and Jessica Blum


Today's Candidate:


The Nervous Witch
© 2002 Jack Chick

Uploaded March 1st, 2016



When Saul visited the witch of Endor he discovered the terrible price God requires of those who play with witchcraft.

Page Index

Introduction
Cover | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21
Conclusion



"The Nervous Witch" is the first in a two part segment of Chick's "Bob Williams" saga. In it, Bob coverts his sister and then goes to work on her daughter and her friend. After relating the story of Saul and the Witch of Endor he succeeds at converting his niece, but her friend escapes his ministrations. To be continued...


Introduction
Sean:

You know, it's about time we tackled a Bob Williams tract. For those of you not in the know, Bob Williams was a reoccurring Gary Stu in Chick Tracts for a while. He was the archetypical smart, pious and handsome Christian white male who witnessed to the sinners with his encyclopedic knowledge of Bible passages. This one was released during the early years of the Harry Potter phenomenon, so here's a tract demonstrating what happens when you want to deconstruct a franchise from 47th hand accounts.

 

   
   
   

Sean:

Fun fact, that hat was actually used to single out and identify Jews during the Middle Ages. I'm sure Chick wasn't aware of this, as that would require reading a history book. But with the schnozz on that witch... just saying.

 

Jessica: Maybe she and Judge Barnstead are related?
   
   

Sean:

Ah yes, the most popular stuffed toy of the early 00's; Fang Dolls.

 

Jessica: Shut up, mom!
   
   

Sean:

Yeah, Bob's just like Jesus. If Jesus were a tall, short haired white guy rocking a pornstache. Come to think of it, why would they call it "sin"?

 

Jessica:

You are going to "take him down" with a love spell? How does that work exactly?

Would these two aspiring witches really be concerned with a concept such as "sin" anyway?

 

   
   

Sean:

God's not Dead! (I couldn't resist). Also, Holly's appearance seems to change between panels. In the first one she looks like a man in drag with a seriously weird haircut, and in the next she's actually quite good looking. Either she's a satanic shapeshifter or the stroke hit Jack Chick harder than we thought. (This is post stroke)

 

Jessica:

Half of her face is taken up by her forehead here. WTF?

 

   
   
   

Sean:

404, Spirit not found.

 

Jessica:

Can Bob block a spell against him without knowing it's being cast? Or does God give you an permanent aura of protection when you get saved?

 

   
   

Sean:

Satanic symbols apparently include the Pentagram, Baphomet, A Sectoid and the peace symbol.

 

Jessica:

They just keep that pentagram hidden under the rug. Hope they don't expect their security deposit back.

 

   
   

Sean:

Charmed? Pssh, poseur. Mine was a Buffy/Angel household.

 

   
   
   

Sean:

Heh. Putting aside the obvious nod to Harry Potter (We have a fanclub over at UC Irvine called "Dumbledore's Anteaters", and I'm pretty sure none of them refer to non fans as muggles) the original meaning to the word was, and this is true; Pothead. So effectively she's saying her Mom's a big fan of the Ganja. This would explain why she buys into this bull, but I don't think Snoop Dog's been that high.

 

Jessica:

At least he got the in-universe definition of "muggle" correct. I wouldn't have given him that much credit.

 

   
   

Sean:

Why would they be afraid if they don't believe the Bible? I know this is a point we keep harping on, but that's not how other faiths or even a lack of one work!

 

Jessica:

Bob is a master of reverse psychology. And Holly is a true blue idiot.

 

   
   

Sean:

So was working on the Sabbath, Adultery and Mixing Fabrics.

 

Jessica:

Saul is very unhappy to be crowned king. Poor guy.

 

   
   

Sean:

That's quite ironic, given that later King Solomon would bind spirits to build his temple and is one of the key figures to the foundation of Hermeticism. Come to think of it, Jack Chick's confusing Witchcraft with Hermeticism quite a bit in this tract... Plus that particular brand of Witchcraft wouldn't be around until thousands of years later in a completely different geographical location.

 

Jessica:

Closet witches? Like closet gays?

 

   
   

Sean:

Endor? Don't go bringing the Ewoks into this!

 

Jessica:

Saul's schnozz has seriously filled out since he was coronated.

 

   
   

Sean:

"The Witch of Endor was about to see the impossible happen!" What, Teddy Bears defeating the Galactic Empire's finest?

 

Jessica:

He came to the woman by night... Bow chicka bow wow...

The witch looks like someone, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

 

   
   
   

Sean:

Great disguise there Saul, at what point did you think that draping a sack over your royal robes would fool anyone?

 

Jessica:

First his schnozz, now Saul is developing one hell of a bald spot. Consorting with witches gives you male pattern baldness.

 

   
   

Sean:

How is it that this is the second comic in a row that reminds me of the late, great Christopher Lee?

 

Jessica:

He is rocking a serious Saruman vibe in that first panel.

You know, all of this could have been avoided if God had just told Saul to fuck off to his face.

 

   
   

Sean:

I find myself wondering; What would have happened if Saul hadn't gone to see the Witch? Would Samuel have paid him a visit anyways? I guess if the Witch doesn't come a calling... you'd Better Call Saul!

 

   
   

 

 

 

Sean:

Meh, Holly's still a better Two-Face than Tommy Lee Jones.

 

Jessica:

Something unfortunate did happen to the left side of her face. It's like she had a stroke or something.

 

   
   

Jessica: Bob just exorcised the Green Goblin out of Sam.
   
   
   

Sean:

"How did you two get into the Craft?" "Well, it was movie night, and the store was out of everything but that and Soul Plane... I stand by our choice."

 

Jessica:

"Ï could end up like Holly!" These tracts give a false expectation that you can turn a sinner on a dime. Readers of this thing are up for some serious disappointment.

 

   
   

Sean:

Speaking as someone who actually grew up with Harry Potter, I can safely say the "Occult" aspects to it are mostly in the domain of villains. I get that the fundies associate all forms of non-Christian Theurgy (Which I'm sure they're not even aware is a thing anyways) with Satanic Black Magic, but Potter magic is really more reminiscent of whimsical fairy tales than the actual traditions of magic(k) practiced in human history/mythology. Just saying, waving a wand and saying "Expelliarmus" has more in common with the Fairy Godmother than Crowley. I know this because I actually read the books.

 

Jessica:

A preacher who likes children to read?!? Call the cops!!!

 

Sean:

I like the footnote, Chick's once again proving his points with literature his business published, but in this case it comes off like he's trying to say; "Don't check this by reading the Harry Potter books, read this book we published that tells you what happens in them!"

 

   

Sean:

"Uh Uncle Bob? That was a real owl." "OWLS ARE A SYMBOL OF THE DEVIL, BURN IT!!"

 

Jessica:

That's Chick's answer to everything. Burn it!

 

   
   

Sean:

I'm not exactly an expert on Biblical translations and authenticity. But I do have a theory as to why Chick has such a spiritual hard-on for the KJV (Fun fact; there's much to suggest the real King James was secretly Catholic); It's written in such a confusing and antiquated dialect that he can claim the scripture means whatever it wants. Yeah, he actually has a whole long winded Crusaders comic explaining why the KJV is the true word of God (Be patient, we'll get to it), but it's pretty clear why.

 

   
   
   

Conclusion
Sean:

Not exactly the funniest piece, but there's a good laugh to be had here and there. The majority of the good stuff was actually saved for the sequel. Oh, did we neglect to mention that this tract is a two-parter? Stay tuned, up next is "Gladys", a tract of grave errors and great silliness.

 

   
   
   

 
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Last Modified: March 3, 2016